A ghostly thought or two on this Sunday morning on expectations versus objectives.
Over the years, I have heard many quotes about expectations, but one particular quote has changed my life. "There's no relationship that can't be improved by lowering your expectations." [M. W., a personal friend]
This quote gave me great pause when I heard it. I thought it sounded horrible. What? No expectations of anyone? Isn't that like saying everyone's incapable? What is a world with low or no expectations like? How is this possible?
So much like any paradigm shifting comment in life, it took time to digest. The mental kick-it-around on this statement has literally taken years. To truly understand that statement, one has to consider expectations destructive instead of positive.
Here's some definitions for our discussion.
An objective is something that one's efforts or actions are intended to attain or accomplish; purpose; goal. An objective is a goal. My HR Manager mentors will be happy to know that I remember a really good objective is SMART - Specific, Measurable, Ambitious yet achievable, has a defined Result, and a Time for delivery. The best objectives, my HR Manager friends tell me, are those that are shared broadly in a work group (or a family, a pair of life partners, some friends) to inspire teamwork and support for delivery of the objective.
This is very different from an expectation which focuses on "the act or state of looking forward or anticipating". An expectation is a "I think it should be this way" and usually unshared, unspoken, unstructured, and rarely matches any sort of reality. It's what one hopes will happen rather than any sort of defined outcome. Psychology would lean toward calling expectations a projection of the expector's needs onto someone else.
Letting go of expectations in relationships, at work or at home, isn't getting rid of the objectives or the shared teamwork, it's getting rid of the hidden agendas and often destructive anticipations. It's choosing to accept how the deliverable presents itself rather than saying, "This doesn't meet my expectations". Ask yourself, "Does this meet the objective?" And if it doesn't meet the objective, as an HR Leader (or wife or husband or parent), consider these next questions, "What was the objective? How could it have been set more clearly to have met my intended outcome and make the do-er feel more successful?"
This isn't to say that people commit to things and don't deliver. Sadly, that does happen. However, this may be because the person isn't realistic about setting objectives for him or herself. Rather than feeling disappointed when a person exhibits the over-commit-under-deliver pattern, coach him or her. Ask a lot of questions when this person sets an objective. "Really? That's possible this week? With this and that going on?" In most cases, people want to do a great job. They want to do what's asked well. Not everyone is good at understanding that Time part of SMART.
The next time disappointment with an outcome sets in, be it with someone else or yourself, ask the question, "Was there an objective or an expectation?" If it was an expectation, do a better job moving it to an objective the next time and/or forgive the person, even if it is yourself, for not meeting this expectation. If there was an objective, figure out what went wrong and do better the next time -- be it helping those involved better define the objective or helping align your expectations to that objective.
We all expect our colleagues to behave like adults and our life partners to do what they say they will, but at the end of the day, they are human. What will keep us from wrecking a relationship out of disappointment and frustration is how we choose to manage expectations. As Marti says, "If it's important to you, do something about it. Don't just set there disappointed."
Over the years, I have heard many quotes about expectations, but one particular quote has changed my life. "There's no relationship that can't be improved by lowering your expectations." [M. W., a personal friend]
This quote gave me great pause when I heard it. I thought it sounded horrible. What? No expectations of anyone? Isn't that like saying everyone's incapable? What is a world with low or no expectations like? How is this possible?
So much like any paradigm shifting comment in life, it took time to digest. The mental kick-it-around on this statement has literally taken years. To truly understand that statement, one has to consider expectations destructive instead of positive.
Here's some definitions for our discussion.
An objective is something that one's efforts or actions are intended to attain or accomplish; purpose; goal. An objective is a goal. My HR Manager mentors will be happy to know that I remember a really good objective is SMART - Specific, Measurable, Ambitious yet achievable, has a defined Result, and a Time for delivery. The best objectives, my HR Manager friends tell me, are those that are shared broadly in a work group (or a family, a pair of life partners, some friends) to inspire teamwork and support for delivery of the objective.
This is very different from an expectation which focuses on "the act or state of looking forward or anticipating". An expectation is a "I think it should be this way" and usually unshared, unspoken, unstructured, and rarely matches any sort of reality. It's what one hopes will happen rather than any sort of defined outcome. Psychology would lean toward calling expectations a projection of the expector's needs onto someone else.
Letting go of expectations in relationships, at work or at home, isn't getting rid of the objectives or the shared teamwork, it's getting rid of the hidden agendas and often destructive anticipations. It's choosing to accept how the deliverable presents itself rather than saying, "This doesn't meet my expectations". Ask yourself, "Does this meet the objective?" And if it doesn't meet the objective, as an HR Leader (or wife or husband or parent), consider these next questions, "What was the objective? How could it have been set more clearly to have met my intended outcome and make the do-er feel more successful?"
This isn't to say that people commit to things and don't deliver. Sadly, that does happen. However, this may be because the person isn't realistic about setting objectives for him or herself. Rather than feeling disappointed when a person exhibits the over-commit-under-deliver pattern, coach him or her. Ask a lot of questions when this person sets an objective. "Really? That's possible this week? With this and that going on?" In most cases, people want to do a great job. They want to do what's asked well. Not everyone is good at understanding that Time part of SMART.
The next time disappointment with an outcome sets in, be it with someone else or yourself, ask the question, "Was there an objective or an expectation?" If it was an expectation, do a better job moving it to an objective the next time and/or forgive the person, even if it is yourself, for not meeting this expectation. If there was an objective, figure out what went wrong and do better the next time -- be it helping those involved better define the objective or helping align your expectations to that objective.
We all expect our colleagues to behave like adults and our life partners to do what they say they will, but at the end of the day, they are human. What will keep us from wrecking a relationship out of disappointment and frustration is how we choose to manage expectations. As Marti says, "If it's important to you, do something about it. Don't just set there disappointed."
Posts
Thank you.
ReplyDelete